that's life

well i am down to my final days working in the studio here in tokyo, 12 more classes in 9 days. i have mixed feelings about this. it's hard to be part of a studio yet not part of a studio. it's a temporary thing, soon i leave and i may never see any of these people again. on one hand i have felt part of the family, but also very much a stranger, an outsider, a foreigner. i can not tell who truly likes me and who does not, because the japanese people do not let you know from their face, only their vibrations, which i can't always judge since i am hyper-sensitive. i have tried to help in the only ways i know how, making suggestions, trying to teach adjustments to the teachers in the studio by holding workshops, but very few attended. sometimes helping hurts and people just want to be left alone and do things their own way.

sometimes i hate being a yoga teacher. i may have said this before, i do not like to call myself a yoga teacher, because all i do is manipulate bodies and try to get students past their fears and monkey minds. so i am more like a combination of a sports coach and a cheerleader. it's too much responsibility for me to accept being any more than that. because my life is so imperfect, i would hate for anyone to follow in my footsteps other than basic asana practice, which i do know a lot about. just because it's been over 10 years, i practice 6 days a week, taught mysore style for almost 8, and have had a lot of training, mostly from 2 very good teachers, but i've checked out the spectrum of certified teachers at workshops, have been to mysore and studied a few times when they tour, so i pretty much know what i'm talking about.

but there's so much about teaching yoga that is very painful. and one big one is when a student gets hurt, one you really like a lot. and you feel responsible. did i push her too much? did i miss something? and why didn't she say anything before? or did she hurt herself? and what can i do for her now? stuff like that. everyone, yes every single person i know who practices astanga will get hurt, has gotten hurt, will always go through pain. part of the reason is the realignment of the body, part of it is practicing too hard, or not enough (if you do not have a daily practice, the risk of real injury is much higher) or simply practicing without bodily awareness or use of bandhas, which both take years to understand.

another thing that i have to constantly work on is attachment. when people disappear and i don't know why. after working hard with them over a long period of time. now i know i have to let this go or eventually it will eat me alive completely. it's just kind of hurtful. and you find out later they've gone to study elsewhere, which is fine. but you never know why they left. they never tell you so you can be sure not to make the "mistake" again. but i keep having to tell myself, "sometimes it's not you. sometimes it's them."

the photo is the new schedule for february for tokyo-yoga studio. i love it. i think it's wonderful. however, there are several super important faces missing from it. which saddens me. at any rate, it's been a very interesting experience teaching here. i have learned many things about myself, about japanese people, students, about life. and once again, i am grateful, but i am sad. but hey, that's life, right?