tragedy or opportunity?

i feel a bit dry in the creatively today. if i don't have that need to unload, it's hard to blog because it can be as much of a chore reading this as it is writing. but thoughts were flowing through my head in a reflective kind of way today. i guess i got to thinking about what i am learning from this experience, because i've spent a lot of time away from home. tokyo is just an extension of the trip, as many of you know, many of you don't know i spent 6 weeks in australia immediately before coming to tokyo, the grand total when it's all done is close to 5 months. australia was many things to me. i was in a teacher's cocoon for the first month, which is like an intensive, but different from other intensives i've taken before. it involved lots of pranayama, fasting, chanting, sutra study, unloading, writing, and other forms of hardcore spiritual development, leaving one quite vunerable and naked. in the midst of it all, i had lost the mysore program i started back in chicago. via e-mail, but we won't get into that too deeply. i was building it over 2 years and it was doing very well. so the sting was a bit severe. it had me questioning many things, such as my career and my purpose on the planet. and i was very depressed and angry this was done so far away and not in person. and that it seemed no one was standing up for me. so i got to feeling alone, the cleansing that had taken place destroyed by a single human in an extremely vindictive way. and my position given to my partner, who must stay because of money. sharath had come and i took classes with him for 2 weeks, my very first led intermediate classes. it was extremely difficult to get out of bed and muster any kind of enthusiasm because of how i was feeling. i just could not shake the depression, i began to lose faith.

than like a bolt of lightning, i arrived in tokyo and everything changed. i was thrust into teaching, teaching mysore for a lot of hours, to a lot of people i have never before met. whose language i could not speak. and i stepped up to it. faced it full on without fear or reservations. and began to gain confidence in myself once again. and began to forgive myself. and see the situation as an opportunity instead of a tragedy. i have learned a lot from teaching in this way. i am still the same teacher, the same person. nothing has changed, only the space in which i will teach in. and it's only a room, only a space. that's all we really need as astangis. i have learned not to expect too much from students. i have learned not to get attached. to let go. and to hold tight to my self respect. this has helped me grow a great deal and realize that i have the power to do what i do anywhere i please. which is why i will have my own space upon returning to chicago. i have learned a lot about how the studio over here is run, how it started, what is possible, how much hard work it is. lucky for me i am not afraid of hard work. because that's what it takes. four walls, a floor, and work. and i am in a better place now. and i now realize whose loss it really is. because, as dena said to me when this happened, "they can't take away your light."

i was a musician for many years before becoming a yoga teacher. and a part of me still lives in that world-the artists world. and my studio will be able to reflect this. i can cater to my own kind, the starving artists. i have a lot to offer them, and can use the space for gallery as well. yoga opens your creative forces, and artists can benefit greatly. and i am surrounded by good people who do care, about yoga, and about me. and i am very fortunate.

i just want to take this experience, this energy that tokyo has given me, and fuse it with what i already have. i think the results will be original. and over time, i hope, successful.

on a lighter note, tomorrow i get a new tour guide, zen, to take me to akihabara, land of electric town, tokyo anime center, wonder site, and the transportation museum. oh boy!